Dear cafeteria staff,
Congratulations! You have just been nominated the Most Inconvenient School of Human of the year! While we’re sure you would be more than proud to accept such a recognition, we suggest you don’t get your hopes up too high as you’ll be hard pressed to beat out all those construction workers who stand in 5 of the 6 lanes available on heavily travelled roads holding cans of beer and signs that don’t seem remotely applicable to the work that isn’t going on behind the haphazardly scattered cones.
But in the spirit of optimism, we would still like to extend this gesture to you who provide us with the irreplaceable services such as the solution to the problems which are inevitably caused by our rule that you are not allowed to type your ID number into the ready and willing computer system at the front desk of the cafeteria in the event that you do not have your student identification card to be scanned as proof that you already paid 1*&^00 dollars for a meal plan. Let us take a moment to celebrate the systems they have set in place to help us under such circumstances.
When you are standing in the cafeteria 20 minutes before you have to be at work and realize that you have forgotten your wallet and therefore cannot scan your ID card to get in and eat, have no fear. They have provided us with the ingenious option of going to the conference services office where you are permitted to get a temporary ID card on which your ID number will be written so that the cafeteria attendant may THEN type it into the computer. This temporary ID may be received in exchange for that $1 bill which is comfortably situated next to your ID card in your wallet which you don’t have with you and do not have the time to retrieve as that would require you to hike down the ravine to the building you live in -whose location was chosen by last year’s winner of the Most Inconvenient School of Human Award- and then all the way back up, at which point you will have approximately 35 seconds to forage through the ill-prepared meal selection composed of highly volatile materials, eat it, and get to work. What a genius way to accommodate the rushed and frenzied lifestyle of a college student! And to top it all off, no food is allowed to leave the cafeteria at any time to see that students who haven’t the time for lunch at all cannot spend their time in class or at work eating away. Genius I tell you!
We applaud you and your tireless efforts to receive this award which have not gone unnoticed!
Best of luck to you in your endeavor!
The MISH Award Foundation